Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Adventures in Sleep Training

So here we are - in our new home, back in Toronto and E has lost his mind and for the last almost 2 MONTHS has not slept longer than 3hrs at night.


Today my little chipmunk is 20 weeks and yesterday I dropper the hammer and started sleep training.

Add this to the list of things that I said I would never do as a mother. Man, I was such a awesome parent before I had kids ...

But in all seriousness these gazillion night wakings  have to stop. I am more than OK with 1 or 2, but 5, 6, 7 - nuh uh. Mommy dont play that.

SO I busted out my Baby Whisperer bible and got to it. First nap of the day we were off to the races. 2hrs after waking we were changed, swaddled and headed for the crib. Of course he screamed in protest at this going down without a boob business but I was focused. It took 3 rounds of pick up/calm/put down to get him settled, but in less than 10 min he was calm and in his crib awake but on his way to dreamland ... and there he stayed for almost 2hrs.

Huh,, well whaddaya know. That seemed to work.

I proceeded to eff up the afternoon nap by going on a 4hr trek to Ikea but he didn't seem to mind. He was a champ, in great spirits, full of grins and loved hanging out in the carrier and in the complimentary high chair in the Ikea cafe while Mommy ate and gabbed with her GF. He napped on and off in the carrier and again on the way home in the car and seemed so content when we got home. He ate and played and when it was finally bed time, he loved his bath as usual.

Then we got down to business. Bed time routine up until now has been: bath, book, boob, bed. Well I want him off the boob to bed business so that is where I decided to start. He still got boob before bed but I unlatched him before he was too sleepy and plopped him in his crib.

Commence screaming and on to the PU/PD dance. To my glee and surprise he was again calm and quiet, headed to dreamland in less than 10 minutes.

2.5 hrs later the shit show began.

First up was Daddy. Of course he decided to ignore the convo that we JUST has 2 hrs before about how to manage night wakings and he begins with his standard rocking, singing routine. Great. Just toss Mom under the bus why dont you. UGH!

E slept for 10 minutes after that, before waking again. I took the next shift and for the next 2hrs I dealt with the PU/PD scream-fest.

But then he slept ... for a glorious 5.5hrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhhhhhHHHHHHHH - I think I saw rainbows and unicorns I shit you not, because when I opened my eyes at 6:30am and saw my burrito baby still asleep on the monitor I almost cried.

Day #1 - success? Not sure, but we shall continue and see what happens. As I type this, E has been down for almost 2 hrs on his am nap following a very sort 5 minute PU/PD stint


Thursday, September 6, 2012


Well, its clear that this Mommyhood stuff makes for little time to sit, write and reflect, but I am going to try to get back on the wagon as best as possible. Which I do hope is more now that little E is becoming a champion napper (which I like to think is thanks to my determination in nap training - thank you very much).

My main man is now 3 month old (14weeks) and the development is unreal. In the just the last few weeks things have changed so much for this guy, its truly incredible. Its like watching the light come on  in a new part of his mind every day and its stunning.

He now plays for hours at a time on his own on his mat and in his crib when he wakes up, grabbing, pulling and talking to his toy friends. His chatting has become constant, and happy squeals and sounds fill our house now more than cries or shrieks. His grins are from head to toe and are such a joy to wake up to.

Quite simply, I am in awe and in total love with my little boy

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

And I Quote ...

Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.” – Joan Ryan

Time Flies!

Geeze, where did the last 5 weeks go?!

Little Man is getting so big, figuring so many things out and generally just an adorable ball of smiles and love.

12 weeks and enjoying his chair

Mmmmm, tasty hands

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

7 weeks

Little E is 7 weeks old and we are on the verge of moving - Never a dull moment here that's for sure :)

Friday, July 6, 2012


Just had a massive meltdown, the second in 2 days. 

E has seemingly lost his mind and I am loosing mine beside him. He has been happy for about 30 minutes since 5pm yesterday, the rest of the time has been intense crying or eating. He slept for 3x 3hr stretches from 10pm last night, I got another 2hrs out of him this morning and that has been it other than 10-20 minute cat naps. 

I am exhausted and really hoping that this is just a bad bit of a growth spurt and will be over soon. 

I want my happy, 6+hr sleeper back!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Times are A Changing

As if life has not changed enough in the last 5 weeks, it seems we are in for a few more big changes.

On July 21, we are flying back to Toronto and will be calling the city home again, as P has accepted a transfer with work.

We have been wanting to get back home for a while now but knew that it was going to have to be up to P's work situation to get us there as we simply could not affort a cross country move, nor could we take the risk of P making a job move with me off on mat leave.

So when the opportunity was presented to him, he took it and managed to get us all the moving bells and whistles along with it (packers, movers, all real estate services and fees covered, flights and temp accommodations, etc ...)

It will be hard to leave BC and its amazing west coast vibe, the life that we have created here and all of our new friends, but it will be beyond wonderful to be home, close to all our family and long time friends and to watch little E grow up with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Friday, June 29, 2012

One Month

It has been a month since my life changed forever ... what a trip it has been so far. Thank you for coming into my world little man - I never knew I could ever love someone so very much (even when you are crying, fussing, puking or refusing to sleep)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

My Little Man

Well, its has been just over 2 weeks since my little dude arrived. The time has gone by in a whirlwind and it has been a total roller coaster ride with nothing and I mean nothing going as expected. From labour to birthing to coming home and getting settled, not a single moment has gone as planned or anticipated.

I have been struggling to write my birth story, as it is a long and complicated event that to be honest I have not been to eager to relive. I have requested my hospital records in order to piece together the time line, as things happened in what feels like a vacuum of time and I am not sure of how things actually went down, but there are some things that I am sure of:

May 28, 2012
  • Induction started at 8am
  • Contractions started at 11am
  • Active labour began at 2pm
  • Arrived at the hospital at 230pm and laboured in the assessment area for hours as they did not have a room for me. Finally about 2 hrs later I was moved to a private labour & delivery suite
  • I tried every position imaginable to manage the pain. I walked, kneeled, swayed, used my birth ball, had P and L (our doula) massage my back, was in and out of the tub ... nothing worked to ease the pain. But I managed and continued to push through
  • My membranes were ruptured sometime around 9pm after I had made it to 6cm. The hope was that with the water broken, baby would descend more and turn, as they had ended up sunny side up.
  • Contractions intensified immensely once my water broke and the desire to push became overwhelming. The strength to fight against it was hard to find, but was necessary
  • Sometime around midnight I asked for the epi, something I never in my dreams thought I would do, but with the contractions coming one on top of the other and the pain never subsiding even for a moment it was more than I could bear. 
May 29, 2012
  • I was told around 6am, that while I was at 8cm, the baby was still sunny side up and had not descended far enough into the birth canal. I was told I needed the dreaded oxytocin to amp up my contractions to hopefully turn baby around and get them to drop. I consented, with sadness in my heart.
  • I continued to labour until 9am, making no progress past 8cm
  • Then I as told that I had developed a fever and infection and baby's heart rate began to climb. The Dr advised that we now had about 2hrs to make a move, we could wait and try to deliver the baby vaginally w forceps/vacuum or go with a section.  A section would be necessary regardless if I could not get past 8cm, of which I had not been able to do in the last 5 hrs. In either instance, baby would have to spend time in the NICU for 48 hrs for observation and antibiotics as a precaution. So while neither option to me was a good one, and I had always envisioned a beautiful natural delivery, I did not want to risk my or my childs health. The fear of the fever and possible infection being transferred to baby was enough to break my heart. 
  • Sometime around 10am I consented to an emergency c-section. I cried for what felt like an eternity. P and L held my hand an assured me that this was the right thing to do. They were my rocks as I felt that my world was coming apart.
  • Then more bad news: The anaesthesiologist came in to prep me and advised that since I had such a high fever I would not be able to have a spinal for the c-section and therefore would have to be put under a full general. Cue more tears and further emotional breakdown. 
  • Just after 10am, I was wheeled into the OR and by 1039, my beautiful baby boy was born. 
  • Little E was taken straight to the NICU with Daddy, while I was being stitched up and moved to recovery.
  • I came to about an hr later but was not able to meet my baby for another few hrs. When I did finally get to see him, I was wheeled into the NICU on my stretcher only to see my boy in an incubator, with tubes and cords all hooked up to him. I was still so out of it nothing really connected or made sense at the time. 
  • Back in the L&D area I was again left in the assessment area for a couple hours before a room was free in the maternity ward.
  • Once in our room I rested for a while longer before starting off back downstairs to the NICU to really visit with and meet my son. 
  • For the next 4 days, P and I would spend all our time in hospital, P sleeping on a shitty cot and me in a horrid hospital bed, as both myself and E recovered. Every 3 hrs we would make the trek downstairs to attempt nursing and bonding with our boy. 
Overall, there is nothing in this story that was expected or envisioned. Not a single moment of my birthing went as "planned". It was one of the hardest times in my life and was so emotionally taxing that there were times that I was not sure I would make it through.

But we are home now, all of us happy, healthy and finding our footings as a new family of 3. It has been almost 3 weeks since little E arrived, and regardless of anything that happened that week, I would never change a thing if it meant anything other than having him in our lives.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


And here we are, 2 days past Peanuts guess date. Shocking, nope. I predicted this but am still a little bummed. However, this is my child, who is now a Gemini and clearly has begun to play by their own rules. Ahhh little one, you are just like Mommy.

Last Drs appointment today went well though. Survey Says - 1 cm dilated, very short cervix and head has finally engaged!! Dr expects me to go in the next few days.


The internal was super uncomfy but it did confirm that all that pain I've been having over the last few weeks is in fact my cervix. Dr put me on the induction list for Monday just in case but doesn't think I will make it till then - Lets hope so!

Going to book myself an acupuncture and massage appointment for Thursday in hopes that I have to cancel it :)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

39w and DONE

Emotional breakdown #2 this morning. 730am sobb-fest due to total lack of sleep and utter physical discomfort.

P was at a loss, justst let me cry and blubber and rubbed my back and hugged me.

 Slept on and off till noon and was suprised to find brunch and a lovely Mommy to Be card waiting for me. What a man. Now I am restless again, tired but not sleepy ... so I am baking cookies.

 Really hoping my "normal" self returns soon. I am not used to being so out of control of my body and mind. I cant take the constant back aches, restless legs, indigestion and heartburn much more. I need to sleep and feel rested plus I am DYING to meet my kid!!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Neon Cupcake Love

I have been playing with cupcake recipes over the last few days in an attempt to come up with something that is quick and tasty that I can make up as a Birthday Project for when Peanut arrives.

Well, needless to say that has not happened, as with all attempts to veganise any standard recipe (and yes I know there are already dozens of vegan cupcake books out there - but where is the fun in that?), there are more steps, thought and time required than seen at first blush.

BUT, I have had a fun and tasty time in the process and have come up with a few batches that were both gobbled up and fun to make and look at.

**NOTE** I am not a baker by any stretch and have noticed that the cakes are coming out rather dense and short. Any suggestios on how to get them fluffier would be great!

Very Vanilla Cupcakes
Time for some fun!
Test batch on the way ...
looking good!
Colourful and yummy - a great combo!

  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup becel Vegan margarine
  • 6 tbsp water
  • 2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1 tsp almond extract
  • 1/2 cup almond milk
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2 tbsp egg replacer
  • 1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F
  2. Cream together sugar and margarine, then add in vanilla & almond extract, water and milk
  3. In separate bowl, combine flour, egg replacer and baking powder
  4. Add dry ingredients to wet, and mix until smooth
  5. Fill cupcake liners ¾ full and bake for 20-25 minutes, or until testing stick comes out clean
  6. Let cool in tin for a few moments before moving to rack

** to make rainbow cakes
Separate completed batter into as many bowls as you want colors
Add in food colouring to your desired shade
Spoon in coloured batter into liners, layering colours as you like until ¾ full

Monday, May 7, 2012

38 Weeks

And no signs of baby moving out. Hmmmm ...

I fully though Peanut was going to be late (just assumed that would be the case with Baby #1), but ever since P started going on about how he though they would be early that is all I can think of.

Staring at my Evening Primrose Oil bottle and wondering if I should start trying to force the eviction or just try to be patient and wait it out ...


Over the last few months I have become the nester of all nesters. I have been cooking and baking to stock my freezer, cleaning and prepping all rooms and items related to Peanut. I have also taken up crocheting, something that is clearly more in my blood more than I realized. I say this because I come from a long line of yarn artists (you could always find a knitting and crochet needles in the hands of my Mother and Grandmothers), but as a young gal, every time I attempted knitting but was left with twisted, gnarly work and the desire to hurt people with the needles, rather than create with them. I was forever frustrated and after numerous tries I vowed to toss the knitting fantasy aside.

But a few months ago the urge returned to me, clearly engaged by the pending birth of my first child. I wanted to make something for them, something that was full of love and warmth. Knitting came to mind and visions of beautiful blankets, afghans, sweaters and caps flooded my visions. So I wandered the isles of Michaels one day, looking for inspirations. The knitting needles make my blood boil as soon as I saw them, but the crochet hooks caught my interest. Hmmmmm, maybe all this time I had just been forcing the wrong method and that there was some yarn artist in me after all …

So off with a massive ball yarn, a shiny new set of crochet hooks and patterns I went. I read through the patterns trying to make sense of the shorthand and was almost immediately frustrated and convinced I has just made a mistake and had visions of my frustrated breakdowns of years past. But damnit, I was determined to at least try. And over the next few weeks and with the wonders of youtube I did and I was able to make up my first ever baby blanket, complete with contrasting edging. While it is far from perfect, it is filled with love and devotion, and that means more to me than extract gauge and stich counts. This is something that I made with my own hands and heart, that my child will use to keep warm and safe, help them feel secure and loved.

I have also found serenity and joy in my new hobby and catch myself eagerly looking forward to the times when I can crawl onto the couch and curl up with my hooks and yarn. P was shocked to see just how fast I progressed and expressed his encouragement in my new adventure. He jokes that there may be more potential in my hooking (ha!) than I give it credit and wonders if there is not a new career on the horizon - I see relaxation and unwinding and nothing more. I envision years of gifts for family and friends made with love, not potential income, but hey we can let the man dream right.

I have now progressed beyond blankets and onto baby caps and booties, with adult beanies and other clothing items on the horizon. I have a few goodies set aside for friends that I am keen to see their response to and plan on making my little Peanut loads of fun and creative bits and bobs over the years to come.

Peanut's first Mommy Made Blankie
Blankie # 2 in the works
Blankie #2 Finished! 
Baby Bear Beanie

Itty-bitty Baby Beanie
Bright and fun Afghan #1 in the works ...


Monday, April 30, 2012

Freaking Delish Stuffed Pepper

The only way to describe these is Freaking Delish!

Stuffed Peppers

  • 1 tbs olive oil
  • 2 onions, diced
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 1 tsp basil
  • 1 tsp dried green onions
  • pinch of salt
  • 1 pkg Yves Ground Round
  • 1 can diced tomatoes, w liquid
  • 4 cups cooked rice
  • 6 medium peppers, any colour

  1. Pre-heat oven to 350
  1. In a large pan, over low heat, sweat out onions and garlic until soft and transparent
  1. Add in ground round, oregano, basil, and green onions, cook  about 3 minutes
  1. Add in rice and cook until warm
  1. Add in tomatoes, simmer for about 10 minutes or until liquid is mostly gone
  1. Cut tops off peppers and remove seeds and veins
  1. Stuff each pepper with warm rice mixture and place in shallow baking dish
  1. Bake for 20 minutes, or until peppers are cooked but still firm and tops of stuffing are golden brown
  1. Let sit for a few minutes to cool and dig in!

Thursday, April 26, 2012


More of the same this week, but at least that much closer to the end:

  • swollen feet and legs
  • sleeplessness
  • heartburn
  • waddling
  • serious vag pain (like someome is jbbing y in the cooter with a knitting needle - ya, awesome)\
  • minor contractions - just strong braxton hicks
  • lots of rolling and pushing from Peanut.

Had my weekly appointent today and damnit the GBS test came back positive.


Also Peanut was being a pain and it took forever to find the HB. Freaked me right out of course. Doc again not sure which way they are positioned so we are gonna go for a scan after my appointment next week if she is still not sure.

So ready to be done with pregnancy and just want to meet my babes already.

As of Sunday this Momma to Be will be doing whatever she can to get this part started ...

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Hoppy Easter

Well here it is, the last Easter as Two ... this time next year there will be a 11 month old roaming the grounds, being filled with tales of the Easter Bunny and a few goodies I am sure.

So, while I am in super nester-mode and in realizing this will most likely be the last holiday meal I prepare for a while I decided to whip up a classic meal: Tofurkey, Rosemary Roast Potatoes, Sweet Roasted Carrots, Buttery Peas and a giant Apple-Blueberry Pie (my first attempt at a lattice top, meh, but I am sure it will taste good!)

Tomorrow is Adventures in Cooking Part #2 as I begin to prepare all my freezer meal for when Peanut makes their grand appearance. On the list:

  • Chickpea Cutlets
  • Rice & Lentil Casserole
  • Sheppard's Pie
  • Tofu Balls
  • Chili

Friday, March 30, 2012

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

32 Weeks

Officially 8 months gone ... and am SO READY TO BE DONE BEING PREGGO!

Yes, again its a beautiful, wonderful time but for the love of god I am not going to be sad to say good bye to:

  • The every 20 minute bathroom breaks
  • Never-ending heartburn and acid reflux
  • Insomnia
  • Restless legs
  • Sore, achy back and hips
  • Giant, heavy boobs (yah, really not as fun as some may think)
  • Itchy, flakey, dry skin
  • Inability to reach feet or bend at the non-existent waist
  • Swollen, fat feet
  • Weight gain in areas other than tummy and chest (really, do I need a bigger booty and thicker thighs to have a healthy pregnancy?!)
  • Trying to roll (note: not simply get up) gracefully off the couch/bed
  • Red, violent stretch marks that are taking up space on my now giant hips - though I suppose those wont really just go away after Peanut arrive *sigh*
But for all of the above, there are defiantly some things that I have enjoyed, such as:
  • No excuse needed for crying, yelling, sleeping and eating excessive amounts of chocolate
  • Feeling Peanut move and groove around inside me
  • Seeing Peanut move and groove around inside me
  • Meeting new and experienced Mommas also expecting little ones in May (thanks babycentre.ca and Facebook!)
  • Bonding with P over all sorts of fantastic things like crib building, stoller selection and Hypnobabies

So really, for all the uncomfortable and annoying, there has been some pretty darn good stuff and there is even more to come - MEETING PEANUT!!

I am so anxious and excited to lay eyes and hands on this little wonder. I am dying to see what they look like, what they sounds like, see who they will be like. 

But this, this I am more than happy to say GOOD BYE to

Sunday, March 11, 2012

REPOST: Vegan Feminist Agitator: Another Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet, 2011 Edition

Its been a while since I posted something like this but shit, I just could not resist, it was just so perfect.

Vegan Feminist Agitator: Another Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet, 2011 Edition: You know that I am a proud, happy vegan. I am always the first one to put a positive spin on vegan living because I am so overflowing with ...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


How stoked am I that tonight we begin our Hypnobabies classes tonight? SUPER STOKED!

I have been working on 2 different hypnosis scripts over the last month and feel that they are truly helping me relax and reprogram my mind in advance of my birthing time. I am happy and comfortable to know that with the help of P and our Doula Lynne, I know that my birthing team will do everything possible to help me reach my goal, and not just for me, but for Peanut as well.

Now some people feel that this idea and plan is a bit kooky or spooky and that's OK - they just need to educated themselves more on it. Read up on Hypnobabies here:


And really, when you can have a birthing experience like those below, why would you want to try and aim for anything less:

Monday, February 20, 2012


P and I have opted to be on Team Green for this pregnancy. I am so excited to hear the words .. Its a ..... when little Peanut arrives.

For me, like I have mentioned before, when I picture Peanut, I see a little boy. P says he sees a little girl. 12 more weeks and we shall know for sure, but until then its interesting to see what old wives tales and online predictors says is happening in my belly:

  • One of the popular theories on baby gender prediction is based on the baby’s heart rate.The theory states that if your baby’s heart rate was 140 beats per minute and above, you would be having a girl. If the heart rate was under 140 beats per minute, then you would be having a boy.(http://www.babygenderprediction.com/babys-heart-rate.html)NOTE: Peanuts heart rates has been between 145 - 160 since we could find it.

  • Chinese Gender Predictor: Legend states that the Chinese Gender Chart was buried in a royal tomb near Beijing over 700 years ago. The original is allegedly currently in the Institute of Science in Beijing. Rumors have it that this chart is over 90% accurate when used properly but please remember that this chart is for entertainment purposes only.

BUT another predictor says otherwise:

Guess only time will tell!


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

26wks and Counting

Almost in the home stretch. Here are some of the highlights from the last few weeks:

  • Peanut is an octopus, I am sure of it. That or they are going to be world class gymnasts when they grow up. How can I be punched in the ribs and the pelvis at the same time, riddle me this.
  • Turned 33 … and ate 6, delicious, moist, to die for vegan cupcakes to celebrate. Yup - they were fabu and I have ZERO guilt
  • Passed my GTT, though I am pretty sure that that test we designed by a Man who seems to think that starving a pregnant woman, then forcing her to guzzle orange sugar water and sit in a cold, clinical room for hours only to have her start twitching and shaking and then crash and pass out. What a stupid test.
  • Have been doing nightly Hypnobabies sessions and while I cant tell yet how this will all work out, I can be sure that I am more relaxed now and able to relax myself better that ever before. P & I start our in class sessions next week so things will ramp up to some degree then and I am interested to see where they go.
  • We bought our stroller, or rather should I say P’s parents bought it for us. THANKS GRAMA & GRANDPA M! After much debate and testing we settled on the Britax B-Ready. Its got all the bells and whistles that we wanted, plus we can change the configuration of the seat(s) to all sorts of things depending on our needs. It even converts into a double stroller so if Peanut gets a little sibling within a few years, then all we need to do it buy another seat and off we go
  • I have started nesting HARD. Been cleaning, cooking, baking and even taken up crocheting. It is seriously my new addiction. I have decided I wanted to make a baby blanket for Peanut so after a visit to Michaels and a few visits to YouTube I am now well on my way to making something that is filled with love and warmth for my baby to be. It may not be perfect, but its being made from the heart and as my Mother says, that is all that matters.
  • Beginning to feel like a house on legs; stiff, stuffed and unable to move in ways that I know I used to.
  • My brain is a mess – every night I have mental dreams and wake up feeling lost, scared, insecure, sad ... you name it. Then of course I cannot get back to sleep and toss and turn for ages
  • I can no longer tie my shoes up, I simply cant reach them without almost passing out or falling over. Time for Momma to buy some slip ons.

That is all.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Mexican Tofu Scramble

I have never actually had a tofu scramble that I like. They all seem to have that awful nutritional yeast in them - YUCK! Sorry fellow vegans, but I will never be able to accept that that stuff is suppose to be a "cheese" replacer. Tastes like feet, smells even worse.

So needless to say I have been forever disappointed in my filling, hearty typical vegan bunch options. So needless to say I needed to come up with something of my own, and by golly I have to admit- Momma done good.

Mexican Tofu Scramble
  • 1 medium onion - diced
  • 2 cloves garlic - diced
  • 1 tbsp vegetable stock
  • 4 cups sliced mushrooms (I love crimini for their hearty flavor)
  • 1 pkg organic tofu - firm & pressed
  • 2 cups chunky salsa
  1. Over medium heat, saute onion and garlic in vegetable stock for about 5 minutes
  2. Add in mushrooms and continue to saute another 5 minutes
  3. In a small bowl, break tofu into crumbles 
  4. Add tofu and salsa to pan and cook for 10 minutes over low heat, or until all juices have been absorbed.
Serve and enjoy!

Worry Wart ... now and forever

Well, after a day of being blue and uber paranoid, Peanut is back to kicking up a storm.

Maybe she was just resting yup for Super Bowl? Or maybe he was just taking a lazy Saturday. Whatever it was, Mommy was a mess.

For a good 12+  hrs there was no movement coming from my little tenant - and of course, being me that sent me into a massive emotional tizzy. I woke up feeling very blue. I had slept all night, not something I am used to these days as I am generally up a few times between 11 - 6am thanks to bladder needs and internal somersaults. So 9am rolls around, sun streaming in the windows, birds chirping. A beautiful winter weekend morning, and all I wanted to do was cry. I had no good reason to worry or be concerned  but something in me was giving me bad vibes. I tried to push it aside.

I got up, made a super yummy breakfast of Mexican Tofu Scramble and fed my belly, thinking this may wake up the little squirt.

Nope. Nada.

I did some laundry, I read, I stared blankly at the TV, I napped. Still nothing, not even a gassy bubble.

I cried. I was convinced something was very wrong. P was a star. He rubbed my back, hugged me, tried to offer reassurance and asked if I wanted to call the Dr.

I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to feel little kicks in my ribs and belly button. I wanted to feel my baby moving and grooving. I didn't want to think anymore about negative possibilities, but I couldn't get them out of my head. Horrible images ran through my brain, sadness washed over me. I felt empty and so lost. I was sure this was the end.

I got bitchy and argumentative. I took it out on P. I acted like a cow until I went to bed at 11pm.

And then at 1am I cried again. Tears of joy. Peanut was kicking the shit out of me, rolling and flipping and she didn't stop till 6am, and only then for a slight reprieve before gearing up again, he's doing jumping jacks even as I type this.

So all is well. I can relax.

But clearly I cannot, and no matter how chill or melow I think I am while navigating this pregnancy, that is simply not the reality. I am a paranoid, worried, scared mess of a woman. I never anticipated my losses and struggle would have left such a long lasting impression on my mental state. I thought I had come to terms with all that had happened last year. I am now 25 weeks, fully thought all of this would have passed by now.

Ha! Wishful thinking ... worry will be my middle name - now and forever.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dragons and Sheep

Looks like Peanut may be taking after P a little more than I thought. Seems that this is a big year for the Chinese Zodiac and little Peanut will be one of the lucky Dragon babies born this year.

Its interesting to read up on some of the traits of the two signs that will be making up my home. Some are very telling, others are WAY off (bold):

Daddy & Peanut
Dragon –  /  () (Yang Fire, 1st Trine, Fixed Element Wood): Magnanimous, stately, vigorous, strong, self-assured, proud, noble, direct, dignified, eccentric, intellectual, fiery, passionate, decisive, pioneering, artistic, generous, loyal. Can be tactless, arrogant, imperious, tyrannical, demanding, intolerant, dogmatic, violent, impetuous, brash.

Sheep –  () (Yin Earth, 4th Trine, Fixed Element Fire): Righteous, sincere, sympathetic, mild-mannered, observant, artistic, intellectual, ingenious, innovative, creative, mothering, peaceful, generous. Can be indecisive, over-passive, worrier, pessimistic, sensitive, shy, weak-willed.

No wonder P and I are so good together - We are literally YIN & YANG.