Friday, June 29, 2012

One Month

It has been a month since my life changed forever ... what a trip it has been so far. Thank you for coming into my world little man - I never knew I could ever love someone so very much (even when you are crying, fussing, puking or refusing to sleep)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

My Little Man

Well, its has been just over 2 weeks since my little dude arrived. The time has gone by in a whirlwind and it has been a total roller coaster ride with nothing and I mean nothing going as expected. From labour to birthing to coming home and getting settled, not a single moment has gone as planned or anticipated.

I have been struggling to write my birth story, as it is a long and complicated event that to be honest I have not been to eager to relive. I have requested my hospital records in order to piece together the time line, as things happened in what feels like a vacuum of time and I am not sure of how things actually went down, but there are some things that I am sure of:

May 28, 2012
  • Induction started at 8am
  • Contractions started at 11am
  • Active labour began at 2pm
  • Arrived at the hospital at 230pm and laboured in the assessment area for hours as they did not have a room for me. Finally about 2 hrs later I was moved to a private labour & delivery suite
  • I tried every position imaginable to manage the pain. I walked, kneeled, swayed, used my birth ball, had P and L (our doula) massage my back, was in and out of the tub ... nothing worked to ease the pain. But I managed and continued to push through
  • My membranes were ruptured sometime around 9pm after I had made it to 6cm. The hope was that with the water broken, baby would descend more and turn, as they had ended up sunny side up.
  • Contractions intensified immensely once my water broke and the desire to push became overwhelming. The strength to fight against it was hard to find, but was necessary
  • Sometime around midnight I asked for the epi, something I never in my dreams thought I would do, but with the contractions coming one on top of the other and the pain never subsiding even for a moment it was more than I could bear. 
May 29, 2012
  • I was told around 6am, that while I was at 8cm, the baby was still sunny side up and had not descended far enough into the birth canal. I was told I needed the dreaded oxytocin to amp up my contractions to hopefully turn baby around and get them to drop. I consented, with sadness in my heart.
  • I continued to labour until 9am, making no progress past 8cm
  • Then I as told that I had developed a fever and infection and baby's heart rate began to climb. The Dr advised that we now had about 2hrs to make a move, we could wait and try to deliver the baby vaginally w forceps/vacuum or go with a section.  A section would be necessary regardless if I could not get past 8cm, of which I had not been able to do in the last 5 hrs. In either instance, baby would have to spend time in the NICU for 48 hrs for observation and antibiotics as a precaution. So while neither option to me was a good one, and I had always envisioned a beautiful natural delivery, I did not want to risk my or my childs health. The fear of the fever and possible infection being transferred to baby was enough to break my heart. 
  • Sometime around 10am I consented to an emergency c-section. I cried for what felt like an eternity. P and L held my hand an assured me that this was the right thing to do. They were my rocks as I felt that my world was coming apart.
  • Then more bad news: The anaesthesiologist came in to prep me and advised that since I had such a high fever I would not be able to have a spinal for the c-section and therefore would have to be put under a full general. Cue more tears and further emotional breakdown. 
  • Just after 10am, I was wheeled into the OR and by 1039, my beautiful baby boy was born. 
  • Little E was taken straight to the NICU with Daddy, while I was being stitched up and moved to recovery.
  • I came to about an hr later but was not able to meet my baby for another few hrs. When I did finally get to see him, I was wheeled into the NICU on my stretcher only to see my boy in an incubator, with tubes and cords all hooked up to him. I was still so out of it nothing really connected or made sense at the time. 
  • Back in the L&D area I was again left in the assessment area for a couple hours before a room was free in the maternity ward.
  • Once in our room I rested for a while longer before starting off back downstairs to the NICU to really visit with and meet my son. 
  • For the next 4 days, P and I would spend all our time in hospital, P sleeping on a shitty cot and me in a horrid hospital bed, as both myself and E recovered. Every 3 hrs we would make the trek downstairs to attempt nursing and bonding with our boy. 
Overall, there is nothing in this story that was expected or envisioned. Not a single moment of my birthing went as "planned". It was one of the hardest times in my life and was so emotionally taxing that there were times that I was not sure I would make it through.

But we are home now, all of us happy, healthy and finding our footings as a new family of 3. It has been almost 3 weeks since little E arrived, and regardless of anything that happened that week, I would never change a thing if it meant anything other than having him in our lives.