Monday, August 29, 2011


“Yoga is the control of the whirls of the mind (citta).” – Yoga-Sutra(1.2) 

“Yoga is ecstasy (samadhi).” – Yoga-Bhashya (1.1) 

What is Yoga? 

Yoga is as scientific or as spiritual as you would like it to be. It can be asana, meditation, a stretch, or a song. Through experimentation, stillness and movement, yoga unveils love and fear in raw forms without any crutches to grasp onto – besides your own breath and bravery. Yoga is hearing breath in the body, while changing muscle memory. Yoga is an understanding that asana, sensations and thoughts change daily, and we can forever learn in the bodies we inhabit. Above all, yoga is just a game –flowing through yoga classes, situations, relationships, and finding happiness in jokes and wide smiles. Remembering that all the tools we need to be living liberation are on this earth, in this body, right now. 

Oh how wonderful the last two weeks of reconnecting with my body and rediscovered my love of yoga has been. I had forgotten just how much I enjoyed the calm and quite of a daily practice.

I find myself centred, grounded clear of mind and soul.
I am strong, invigorated and powerful, sensations and feelings I have never found in going to the gym or while running.

These feeling are somewhat addictive and I am on my mat now daily, from 20 - 60 minutes, lost in my practice.  I have a new recycled & eco friendly mad on its way to me as I type this (thanks and cannot wait to unroll it tonight and again loose myself in the power and peacefulness of the asanas.

Thanks to the wonders of the interweb, I have been able to download amazing classes from and no longer have to fork out big cash monies or race from work to get to class. I can practice in the tranquility of my own home and then flop into bed, relaxed and ready for a solid nights sleep.

And what a pleasant suprise, Mr. P has started to join me in my daily sessions. Who would have every thought?!  I think the fact that he realized a few months ago that he could in NO WAY touch his feet with his fingers made the decision a little easier :)

He says he now can appreciate the athleticism required in yoga, but is not yet sure of the breathing, meditative mind and "cheesy music" of the classes. He will get there ... come little grasshopper, to the calming and peaceful world of yoga.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Friday, August 19, 2011


A few weeks ago I got a new tattoo. It was ment to be a memorial to my first angle baby, but it has taken on new meaning now in the light of the past weeks events.

I find myself looking down at it more often now and pulling from its simple lines the new meaning it has to me: Be conscious of the path I am heading on and although unforeseen circumstances may sometimes get in the way, always hold out hope.

Betas and Emotions

My beta HCG tests came back at a lowly 6 on Monday and were down to 2 on Wednesday. The progression this time is quick and physically painless. A slight silver lining in a totally shitty cloud.

P is now showing signs of stress and anger as well. In all honesty, I am happy to see some sort of emoting from him. He has been so seemingly detached from the whole situation since it began in April that I truly started to wonder how much he cared and how invested in this he was. But something this time has hit him. Maybe the reality of the situation, the fact that we now need medical intervention, that we both are going to be held to testing, that this whole process could yield unpredictable results.

Emotionally I am up and down.
I feel out of control. I feel helpless.
I have decided to refocus my energy into my health and well being.
I need to get this body in top baby making order.
I am going to start working out again (I fell off that wagon hard months ago).
I am ditching caffeine and alcohol as of Saturday.
I am limiting my simple carbs and sugars.
I am going back to yoga and meditation to get my mind in line.
I will regain control and I will come out of this a happy, healthy Mother.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

You know I cant help it. I have a very strong and persistent addiction to Dr. Google.

And this morning while scouring the interwebs for information about recurrent pregnancy loss, causes and treatments, I came across this wonderful site and even better flow chart:

Since both of my losses have been within the first trimester, I followed the paths and looked over my most likely optoins. In some strange way, knowing what the future may hold for me regarding testing and treatments has given me a calming sensation and something to hold onto, rather than being lost and in the dark.

Now clearly I still have yet to meet with my new Dr and discuss our next steps, but this little chart has given me hope and information that my mind so desperately needs.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

And so it continues

Here I am again, in the midst of my second miscarriage in just 4 months. We will know later this week if that is in fact the case, but all signs are pointing to another loss.  I got 4 positive pregnancy tests in the last week and Sunday the bleeding started. Went for an ultrasound last night that showed nothing, and the tech was sweet and tried to reassure me that at 4wks 5dys nothing would show up, but I know it in my heart and I know what I have been seeing when I go to the washroom. I am numb. I am disconnected. I never had my hopes up when I saw the first test go YES, I kept my guard up and now I am glad I did. What is with my inability to maintain a pregnancy? I can seemingly conceive easily enough, its just keepting that bean in me that is the challenge. Hopefully we will get some answers next week when we meet with the fertility specialist. But truthfully I am unsure of my ability to ever become a mother. But in some odd way of comfort, I  know I am not alone. I am no exception to any rule, and that my own struggles are minute compared to others I know and love. I have friends in the throws of IUI, IVF, donor programs, hormone replacement therapies and adoptions. All the time we are told that its as easy as blinking to get pregnant, all the fear mongering when you are younger. Its all for naught. When the time comes and you know you want a family and it seems to be just out of reach, your hear aches and your eyes swell. I hope that all of us that are wrestling with these issues will find a family filled end to this up and down, back and forth journey.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead

I read about a gal doing a juice fast on today and it seemed that her plan had stemmed from a documentary. So me being the docu-freak that I am, I of course bolted to youtube to check it out. And man, do I need to see this one!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Food for Thought

5 Weeks - 5 Lessons

5 weeks have passed since I regained control of my diet, lifestyle, eating habits and weight. And in that time I have become an avid food diarist with the help of, I have reacquainted myself with running (and found a fantastic new site where I can track my distance, pace and frequency: - LOVE IT!), and I have lost weight!

5 weeks = 5LBS

It's just the kind of slow and steady weight loss that I was hoping for and its amazing what tracking my food and eating has showed me. Here are 5 things that have become glaring clear to me now that I am aware of my food/exercise habits:

A) I drink FAR too much booze and not nearly enough water. So many of my of my calories seem to be coming from alcohol. Not good, not good, but I am also not willing to give up the sweet nectar all together unless I have to (ie: I get preggo again!), because for me this is not about deprivation, it's about moderation and lifestyle. So I have started to mind my eating on days that I want to enjoy a glass of wine, or sip a cold beer on my deck and abstain from daily drinks with lunch (hard when you work with young, feisty boys) or dinner. Its only water at meal now and its not so bad.

B) I eat FAR too much bread! I knew I loved the wheaty, carby loafs of goodness, but when you start to see how much of your daily intake is lost to a few slices of bread, it makes you think again.

C) I eat a LOT of veggies and hummus. Its clearly my staple and it shows me that while I may have some portion control and weight issues to overcome, I am at least eating the right foods ... just clearly too much of them.

D) I need to exercise more. I am attempting to run 10K a week, spread over 3 weekday runs and so far I am sticking with it. I am also upping my walking by taking the long way to the bus (I have no option other than bus and train, as I have to commute now to work) and walking the long way home. The to and from work equals out to about 20K of walking per week - not to shabby

E) I think that the exercise tracker portion of may be on drugs. Why do I say that ... well this is why: "burned 1727 calories doing 180 minutes of "Moving household items, boxes, upstairs" Does that not seem a little high to you? I don't know but it seems off so I am not going to be tracking my exercise on the site anymore and just keep to the food logging.

So that it, a update on the last 5 weeks. Hoping the next 5 are just as positive!