And so it continues

Here I am again, in the midst of my second miscarriage in just 4 months. We will know later this week if that is in fact the case, but all signs are pointing to another loss.  I got 4 positive pregnancy tests in the last week and Sunday the bleeding started. Went for an ultrasound last night that showed nothing, and the tech was sweet and tried to reassure me that at 4wks 5dys nothing would show up, but I know it in my heart and I know what I have been seeing when I go to the washroom. I am numb. I am disconnected. I never had my hopes up when I saw the first test go YES, I kept my guard up and now I am glad I did. What is with my inability to maintain a pregnancy? I can seemingly conceive easily enough, its just keepting that bean in me that is the challenge. Hopefully we will get some answers next week when we meet with the fertility specialist. But truthfully I am unsure of my ability to ever become a mother. But in some odd way of comfort, I  know I am not alone. I am no exception to any rule, and that my own struggles are minute compared to others I know and love. I have friends in the throws of IUI, IVF, donor programs, hormone replacement therapies and adoptions. All the time we are told that its as easy as blinking to get pregnant, all the fear mongering when you are younger. Its all for naught. When the time comes and you know you want a family and it seems to be just out of reach, your hear aches and your eyes swell. I hope that all of us that are wrestling with these issues will find a family filled end to this up and down, back and forth journey.