A year ago

I was a massively overdue preggo lady, desperate to meet her child.

I was eating my weight in pineapple, walking for hours, and doing a whole host of other things to try to get this baby out.

I was very fearful and upset of my pending induction, scheduled for 8am the next day.

Amazing to look back at it now.

2013

I have not written anything in while as I have been uber, crazy stupid tired and busy being a Mom.

And I love it. I am SO in love with my boy, his smile, his talking, his bonkers somewhat bipolar behaviour. I love every second of him being in my life and cannot even begin to think of what it would be like with out him. He has changed me forever and I am so incredibly thankful for that.

So in reality, until something gives and I have more time I can assume that I will not be posting too much of anything.

2012 was full of changes

• May = Arrival of the best thing I have ever done in my life - my amazing son *gush*
• June = Hubby accepts work transfer with a 2 week moving period - AHHHHHHHH!
• July = Cross country move into temp condo (ooooh so cozy)
• August/September = Brutal house hunt in TO, multiple offers, multiple losses, FINALLY a home to call ours
• October = Move into new house
• December =  Christmas/Holiday madness

All I want for 2013 is health, happiness and simplicity. 2012 had enough action to last us a while :) 

And I Quote ...

Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.” – Joan Ryan

The Times are A Changing

As if life has not changed enough in the last 5 weeks, it seems we are in for a few more big changes.

On July 21, we are flying back to Toronto and will be calling the city home again, as P has accepted a transfer with work.

We have been wanting to get back home for a while now but knew that it was going to have to be up to P's work situation to get us there as we simply could not affort a cross country move, nor could we take the risk of P making a job move with me off on mat leave.

So when the opportunity was presented to him, he took it and managed to get us all the moving bells and whistles along with it (packers, movers, all real estate services and fees covered, flights and temp accommodations, etc ...)

It will be hard to leave BC and its amazing west coast vibe, the life that we have created here and all of our new friends, but it will be beyond wonderful to be home, close to all our family and long time friends and to watch little E grow up with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Crocheting

Over the last few months I have become the nester of all nesters. I have been cooking and baking to stock my freezer, cleaning and prepping all rooms and items related to Peanut. I have also taken up crocheting, something that is clearly more in my blood more than I realized. I say this because I come from a long line of yarn artists (you could always find a knitting and crochet needles in the hands of my Mother and Grandmothers), but as a young gal, every time I attempted knitting but was left with twisted, gnarly work and the desire to hurt people with the needles, rather than create with them. I was forever frustrated and after numerous tries I vowed to toss the knitting fantasy aside.

But a few months ago the urge returned to me, clearly engaged by the pending birth of my first child. I wanted to make something for them, something that was full of love and warmth. Knitting came to mind and visions of beautiful blankets, afghans, sweaters and caps flooded my visions. So I wandered the isles of Michaels one day, looking for inspirations. The knitting needles make my blood boil as soon as I saw them, but the crochet hooks caught my interest. Hmmmmm, maybe all this time I had just been forcing the wrong method and that there was some yarn artist in me after all …

So off with a massive ball yarn, a shiny new set of crochet hooks and patterns I went. I read through the patterns trying to make sense of the shorthand and was almost immediately frustrated and convinced I has just made a mistake and had visions of my frustrated breakdowns of years past. But damnit, I was determined to at least try. And over the next few weeks and with the wonders of youtube I did and I was able to make up my first ever baby blanket, complete with contrasting edging. While it is far from perfect, it is filled with love and devotion, and that means more to me than extract gauge and stich counts. This is something that I made with my own hands and heart, that my child will use to keep warm and safe, help them feel secure and loved.

I have also found serenity and joy in my new hobby and catch myself eagerly looking forward to the times when I can crawl onto the couch and curl up with my hooks and yarn. P was shocked to see just how fast I progressed and expressed his encouragement in my new adventure. He jokes that there may be more potential in my hooking (ha!) than I give it credit and wonders if there is not a new career on the horizon - I see relaxation and unwinding and nothing more. I envision years of gifts for family and friends made with love, not potential income, but hey we can let the man dream right.

I have now progressed beyond blankets and onto baby caps and booties, with adult beanies and other clothing items on the horizon. I have a few goodies set aside for friends that I am keen to see their response to and plan on making my little Peanut loads of fun and creative bits and bobs over the years to come.

Peanut's first Mommy Made Blankie

Blankie # 2 in the works

Blankie #2 Finished! 

Baby Bear Beanie

Itty-bitty Baby Beanie

Bright and fun Afghan #1 in the works ...

 

36w

More of the same this week, but at least that much closer to the end:

• swollen feet and legs
• sleeplessness
• heartburn
• waddling
• serious vag pain (like someome is jbbing y in the cooter with a knitting needle - ya, awesome)\
• minor contractions - just strong braxton hicks
• lots of rolling and pushing from Peanut.

Had my weekly appointent today and damnit the GBS test came back positive.

Ugh.

Also Peanut was being a pain and it took forever to find the HB. Freaked me right out of course. Doc again not sure which way they are positioned so we are gonna go for a scan after my appointment next week if she is still not sure.

So ready to be done with pregnancy and just want to meet my babes already.

As of Sunday this Momma to Be will be doing whatever she can to get this part started ...

REPOST: Vegan Feminist Agitator: Another Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet, 2011 Edition

Its been a while since I posted something like this but shit, I just could not resist, it was just so perfect.


Vegan Feminist Agitator: Another Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet, 2011 Edition: You know that I am a proud, happy vegan. I am always the first one to put a positive spin on vegan living because I am so overflowing with ...

Hypnobabies

How stoked am I that tonight we begin our Hypnobabies classes tonight? SUPER STOKED!

I have been working on 2 different hypnosis scripts over the last month and feel that they are truly helping me relax and reprogram my mind in advance of my birthing time. I am happy and comfortable to know that with the help of P and our Doula Lynne, I know that my birthing team will do everything possible to help me reach my goal, and not just for me, but for Peanut as well.

Now some people feel that this idea and plan is a bit kooky or spooky and that's OK - they just need to educated themselves more on it. Read up on Hypnobabies here:

http://www.hypnobabies.com/



And really, when you can have a birthing experience like those below, why would you want to try and aim for anything less:

Predictions

P and I have opted to be on Team Green for this pregnancy. I am so excited to hear the words .. Its a ..... when little Peanut arrives.

For me, like I have mentioned before, when I picture Peanut, I see a little boy. P says he sees a little girl. 12 more weeks and we shall know for sure, but until then its interesting to see what old wives tales and online predictors says is happening in my belly:

• One of the popular theories on baby gender prediction is based on the baby’s heart rate.The theory states that if your baby’s heart rate was 140 beats per minute and above, you would be having a girl. If the heart rate was under 140 beats per minute, then you would be having a boy.(http://www.babygenderprediction.com/babys-heart-rate.html)NOTE: Peanuts heart rates has been between 145 - 160 since we could find it.

• Chinese Gender Predictor: Legend states that the Chinese Gender Chart was buried in a royal tomb near Beijing over 700 years ago. The original is allegedly currently in the Institute of Science in Beijing. Rumors have it that this chart is over 90% accurate when used properly but please remember that this chart is for entertainment purposes only.

BUT another predictor says otherwise:

Guess only time will tell!

26wks and Counting

Almost in the home stretch. Here are some of the highlights from the last few weeks:

• Peanut is an octopus, I am sure of it. That or they are going to be world class gymnasts when they grow up. How can I be punched in the ribs and the pelvis at the same time, riddle me this.
• Turned 33 … and ate 6, delicious, moist, to die for vegan cupcakes to celebrate. Yup - they were fabu and I have ZERO guilt
• Passed my GTT, though I am pretty sure that that test we designed by a Man who seems to think that starving a pregnant woman, then forcing her to guzzle orange sugar water and sit in a cold, clinical room for hours only to have her start twitching and shaking and then crash and pass out. What a stupid test.
• Have been doing nightly Hypnobabies sessions and while I cant tell yet how this will all work out, I can be sure that I am more relaxed now and able to relax myself better that ever before. P & I start our in class sessions next week so things will ramp up to some degree then and I am interested to see where they go.
• We bought our stroller, or rather should I say P’s parents bought it for us. THANKS GRAMA & GRANDPA M! After much debate and testing we settled on the Britax B-Ready. Its got all the bells and whistles that we wanted, plus we can change the configuration of the seat(s) to all sorts of things depending on our needs. It even converts into a double stroller so if Peanut gets a little sibling within a few years, then all we need to do it buy another seat and off we go
• I have started nesting HARD. Been cleaning, cooking, baking and even taken up crocheting. It is seriously my new addiction. I have decided I wanted to make a baby blanket for Peanut so after a visit to Michaels and a few visits to YouTube I am now well on my way to making something that is filled with love and warmth for my baby to be. It may not be perfect, but its being made from the heart and as my Mother says, that is all that matters.
• Beginning to feel like a house on legs; stiff, stuffed and unable to move in ways that I know I used to.
• My brain is a mess – every night I have mental dreams and wake up feeling lost, scared, insecure, sad ... you name it. Then of course I cannot get back to sleep and toss and turn for ages
• I can no longer tie my shoes up, I simply cant reach them without almost passing out or falling over. Time for Momma to buy some slip ons.

That is all.

Worry Wart ... now and forever

Well, after a day of being blue and uber paranoid, Peanut is back to kicking up a storm.

Maybe she was just resting yup for Super Bowl? Or maybe he was just taking a lazy Saturday. Whatever it was, Mommy was a mess.

For a good 12+  hrs there was no movement coming from my little tenant - and of course, being me that sent me into a massive emotional tizzy. I woke up feeling very blue. I had slept all night, not something I am used to these days as I am generally up a few times between 11 - 6am thanks to bladder needs and internal somersaults. So 9am rolls around, sun streaming in the windows, birds chirping. A beautiful winter weekend morning, and all I wanted to do was cry. I had no good reason to worry or be concerned  but something in me was giving me bad vibes. I tried to push it aside.

I got up, made a super yummy breakfast of Mexican Tofu Scramble and fed my belly, thinking this may wake up the little squirt.

Nope. Nada.

I did some laundry, I read, I stared blankly at the TV, I napped. Still nothing, not even a gassy bubble.

I cried. I was convinced something was very wrong. P was a star. He rubbed my back, hugged me, tried to offer reassurance and asked if I wanted to call the Dr.

I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to feel little kicks in my ribs and belly button. I wanted to feel my baby moving and grooving. I didn't want to think anymore about negative possibilities, but I couldn't get them out of my head. Horrible images ran through my brain, sadness washed over me. I felt empty and so lost. I was sure this was the end.

I got bitchy and argumentative. I took it out on P. I acted like a cow until I went to bed at 11pm.

And then at 1am I cried again. Tears of joy. Peanut was kicking the shit out of me, rolling and flipping and she didn't stop till 6am, and only then for a slight reprieve before gearing up again, he's doing jumping jacks even as I type this.

So all is well. I can relax.

But clearly I cannot, and no matter how chill or melow I think I am while navigating this pregnancy, that is simply not the reality. I am a paranoid, worried, scared mess of a woman. I never anticipated my losses and struggle would have left such a long lasting impression on my mental state. I thought I had come to terms with all that had happened last year. I am now 25 weeks, fully thought all of this would have passed by now.

Ha! Wishful thinking ... worry will be my middle name - now and forever.

Dragons and Sheep

Looks like Peanut may be taking after P a little more than I thought. Seems that this is a big year for the Chinese Zodiac and little Peanut will be one of the lucky Dragon babies born this year.

Its interesting to read up on some of the traits of the two signs that will be making up my home. Some are very telling, others are WAY off (bold):

Daddy & Peanut
Dragon – 龍 / 龙 (辰) (Yang Fire, 1st Trine, Fixed Element Wood): Magnanimous, stately, vigorous, strong, self-assured, proud, noble, direct, dignified, eccentric, intellectual, fiery, passionate, decisive, pioneering, artistic, generous, loyal. Can be tactless, arrogant, imperious, tyrannical, demanding, intolerant, dogmatic, violent, impetuous, brash.


Mommy
Sheep – 羊 (未) (Yin Earth, 4th Trine, Fixed Element Fire): Righteous, sincere, sympathetic, mild-mannered, observant, artistic, intellectual, ingenious, innovative, creative, mothering, peaceful, generous. Can be indecisive, over-passive, worrier, pessimistic, sensitive, shy, weak-willed.


No wonder P and I are so good together - We are literally YIN & YANG.

Rant Part 2

In a email exchange with a  WONDERFUL friend of mine (and a MOM), I found myself expressing my thoughts quite well so I wanted to share. Seeing that my rant yesterday was a bit longwinded - this I think sums up my complaints a bit better :)

All know-it-all-Moms who force out opinions are those that are, what I firmly believe, be insecure, upset with their own experiences and generally uneducated or mis-educated.

I hate that I get crap for reading up on ALL SIDES of a topic and then making a choice that is right for me and in this case I DIDNT EVEN share my choice. It was the presumption that I was casting a negative and judgmental eye over everyone that really got me riled up. Attack me when I open myself up to it, otherwise you simply appear to be upset and defensive over nothing. I could care less if anyone had medicated births vs natural, c-sections vs vaginal, midwives vs OBs, home births vs hospital - Everyone has to chose what is right for them and HOPEFULLY those choices work out and the entire experience is what they hoped for, because unlike what was insinuated, I am more than aware that even the best laid plans can go pare shaped when the time comes.

UGH UGH UGH!!!

I could unleash a shit ton of opinions and feelings on people but I choose not to, I could jump on everyone that I don’t align with and attack them with my opinions but I don’t and I just want the same courtesy provided to me.

Hyper Critial

Listening to an amazing spot on CBC Radio 1 right now ... all about how judgmental, critical and know it all Mothers are. It is so enlightening and SO true.

I find that as I move through this pregnancy people feel open to taking the opportunity to tell me what to think, feel, act, expect. I am assuming this is simply because this is my first child (however many of them forget or are not aware that this is NOT my first pregnancy), and I am to take most of what is said with a massive box of salt. I try so hard to stay open minded when given opinions or reading/listening to comment come my way but shit, sometimes it's hard .

The part that really gets me is that I don't pass judgement on anyone else's parenting choices, I stand firm to the belief of  TO EACH THEIR OWN. So what the hell possesses people to openly suggest that I be open minded (I AM!!), DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT ...

AHHHHHHHHH

Last night it came to a head: A friend posted an article to my FB page about epidurals. I read it, I didn't comment on it one way or the other, however a SLEW of comments were posted to me suggesting that:

• I don't know what I am in for
• I am trying to be a hero and will not be given any awards for doing things naturally
• I need to be prepared for anything and not to rule any option out
• I need to be aware that things never go as planned, don't be upset if things end up differently than planned ...

Ummmm, I know, I agree and I NEVER said anything to suggest otherwise. I never said anything about my birth plan, my hopes for what my L&D would be like, I never opened up about a single thing - There was just a shit ton of presumptions happening ...

WTF?!

I am used to this happening when my veganism comes up and I am asked me asinine questions and have to listen to idiotic comments relating to health and wellness. I have become accustom to brushing these moments off and letting the morons talk their nonsense, leaving my mind to float to something more interesting and entertaining.

This kind of thing usually stems from the discomfort others feel about my personal choices. Not that I am pushing or preaching them, but the simple fact that I have have made them inadvertently puts others on the defence of their choices, when neither were up for discussion.

And as much as this has been part of my life now for almost 3 years this crap still gets my blood boiling. Who the hell are these women to suggest that I don't know what is best for me, for my child  and that THEY DO?

No one will be the expert on my experiences other than me
No one will be the expert on my child other than me
No one will be able to tell me what to expect or how things will play out
NO ONE ASKED YOU FOR YOUR OPINION or YOUR ADVICE!

Nesting

And so it begins: The Nesting.

Nesting: Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the new baby, to tie up loose ends of old projects and to organize your world.

I am a natural organizer, tidier and planner - some may even suggest a little anal retention, or OCD may be at play. Whatever, I like my lists, boxes, calenders, and charts. That is just how I roll.

And today it was in full effect:

1. Bought a car seat from Babies r Us - for $100 off - sweet deal
2. Picked up a rocking chair from Craigslist posting - $50 and 30 minutes well spent
3. FINALLY decided on what new sofa we were going to order - and it was $200 off 
4. Hit up Ikea for some organizing supplies - all my travel memories are now in their own lovely memory boxes
5. And ended the day with a inventory and organizational bonanza in the Nursery - all of Peanut things are sorted (for now, till more is accumulated)

All and all, a nice, little sunny, snowy Sunday in the 'burbs.

22wks and feeling fine :)

Bump

Over 1/2 there and no its no longer a secret ... 

Yup - I got me a case of the babies alright

21w5d

It may be out there but I can still just see my feet - though I suspect that will change over the next few weeks

Adorable This Is

A special request has been put in for Nana to start up her needles again and try her hand at this beauty.

May the force be with you Mom

Hiiiii-YA!

Jab, kick, gurgle, bubble
Jab, kick, gurgle, bubble
Jab, kick, gurgle, bubble
Jab, kick, gurgle, bubble

Yup - it started on Tuesday as I sat at my desk. For hours on end my little karate master was getting their exercise. Such a crazy, amazing feeling. Hoping that P can feel it soon, still a little too light to sense from the outside, but there is defo a party going on on the inside.

New Year and Half Way There

January 1, 2012. The New Year has arrived and what a year it is shaping up to be.

2011 is finally behind me and I am more than happy to see it end. Yes, there were some serious ups like eloping with my true love in utter romantic craziness in Las Vegas, buying our first house together and finding out our little Peanut was going to join the family, but there were also some serious downs. Multiple miscarriages, serious family health issues, and distressing personal safety concerns made for some very challenging times.

It was a true roller coaster of emotions, with massive peaks and cavernous drops. But we got through it all, and are better and stronger because of every moment, good or bad. And 2012 is holding such promise:

• We are safe and secure in our new home and are surrounded by normal, kind and friendly neighbours. 
• We will have the opportunity to spend quality time with friends and family this year and I expect to share in a million laughs, giggles, smiles and dirty diapers. 
• Our little Peanut is due to arrive around May 21st, and is growing well and strong. Hard to believe that we are now officially half way through the pregnancy now and its all systems go! I am on such edge to meet this little person, see who's nose they have, who's eyes, and what kind of personality P and I managed to create together. 

I simply cannot wait. I have nothing but positive vibes for 2012 and I wish the best for everyone out there. Cheers to the New Year!